This is for all the people out there who decided they dislike the King Cake Baby without giving it a chance. This is for all the national media outlets that discover our little bundle of joy for the first time each year and scorch our retinas with their hot takes. All of you should love King Cake Baby.
King Cake Baby is both precious and unnerving, both gentle and dreadful. Its hands, when not gingerly dangling from its own mouth because it's too young to understand what else they can do, are usually sweetly draped alongside a person much, much older than it. The confidence this child shows in posing for pictures and playing patty-cake with anyone willing is astounding. How dare you.
If you're horrified at the thought of king cake in October, I get it. Absolutely we shouldn't consume the Carnival treat in the fall. But the King Cake Baby makes me want to throw a century's worth of tradition in the garbage can. Trot this 1-month-old out every single game if that's what it takes to get the people conditioned to love the King Cake Baby. I mean, come on. What did the King Cake Baby ever do to you? The answer is a resounding "nothing." Shame on you. The King Cake Baby did nothing but come into this world baked into a king cake without a mother or father. Alone. Starving. Terrified. Placed within the confines of a stiff diaper.
And you know what King Cake Baby did? Survived. If you can look into this child's eyes and not see a future Nobel Peace Prize winner or president of the United States of America, then you probably should keep those hateful eyes shut. I love King Cake Baby, and if I have to raise it myself, then so be it. I may have been unsuccessful at buying the ownerless Hornets in 2011 and coaching the Sean Payton-less Saints in 2012, but I will not fail at adopting the King Cake Baby in 2016. I will raise this child to be open minded. I will choose the perfect preschool. I will nurture its unique talents and teach it to love life.
And when King Cake Baby becomes King Cake Adult, everyone who was rude to King Cake Baby as a child will have to deal with the consequences.
— Chris Trew is a comedian and one of the New Orleans Pelicans' most ardent fans. He performs each Wednesday at The New Movement in Chris and Tami, and can be reached on Twitter at @christrew.
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