You've emerged from your shutdown bunker and re-entered the "real world," where you must compete cage-match-style against gluten-free snacks, 250-year-old wiring, Hardee's burritos, humorless theater critics, the Committee for Common Decency, and a machete-swinging James Gray. In your arsenal: D batteries and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Winning chef-testants in this week's Y@ Speak will go on to compete in Mormon Bowl 2014.

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