Get to know the crawfish running for president



Mr. Crawfish B. Crawfish
is running for president of the United States of America. Here's his FEC filing. The New Orleans (via Avoyelles Parish) crustacean now officially joins Gov. Bobby Jindal in the field of presidential candidates from Louisiana — Crawfish has been running a people's campaign via Facebook to get more "likes" than his Bayou State counterpart. Now Crawfish is "Red. Boiled. Ready." for 2016.

Here's Gambit's interview with the crawfish running for president.

Gambit: Why are you running?

Crawfish: Well, I know what it's like to not have a voice. Literally, because I don't have vocal chords, but also symbolically. But you know what, I think many fine citizens not only can't speak, but are afraid to speak. Wealth, family, education — these things shouldn't define a person. An individual's values, motives, ability to connect with the everyman and the 1 percent alike: these should define an individual's ability to lead this great nation, and I don't think gender, ethnicity, or biological phylum can define that for us. Anyways, I think I can be the individual (crawfish) that bridges this gap.

What’s your political affiliation?

American. I'm not terribly committed to the bipartisan system. Think it promotes binary thinking, inability to think across ideological borders, hostility. #OneNationUnderClaws

What are your hobbies and interests, as a crawfish who also is running for president?

Well, I enjoy swimming and water polo. I like hanging out with my family — my kids, Tater and Andi (short for Andouille) and my wife, Margaret. I'm teaching Tater and Andi both how to throw spirals with the ol' football because I don't believe in gender roles. I enjoy watching Game of Thrones, but mainly for the political and military intrigue, and also because I am concerned for the future of Jon Snow. Seems like a nice boy.

What’s your relationship to Gov. Jindal? Have you met him? What are your meetings like?

I've never had the... pleasure... but I imagine meeting him would be quite the clash of worlds. You know... his Louisiana is different from my Louisiana. Because... I'm a crustacean, that's totally the reason why. I'm not a class warrior nor a genus warrior.

As president, what are your top three priorities?

1. The people, first and foremost, because the People are the country, and the country is the People. (People includes all manners of species.)
2. Access to education. That's a pretty good thing.
3. Environment. Pretty important. I mean, if we literally don't have good land left, where are we gonna sit?

Are you participating in any debates?

The #CrawTeam and I would be delighted to participate in the exercise of our First Amendment rights with any willing candidate who extends the honor to us.

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