New Orleans wrestling fans predict the winners of WrestleMania


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WWE action: Randy Orton takes down John Cena. Who will be taken down at this weekend's Wrestlemania in New Orleans? - CREATIVE COMMONS/SEAN REFER
  • WWE action: Randy Orton takes down John Cena. Who will be taken down at this weekend's Wrestlemania in New Orleans?

To help predict the outcomes of this Sunday's Wrestlemania, I convened a team of folks who write and speak about pro wrestling, all of whom will be here in town for Wrestlemania XXX on April 6.

Joining me were Collin Breaux, a journalist working for the Magee Courier/Simpson County News in Mississippi, Elwin Cotman, a genre-bending author whose books include 2013's Hard Times Blues, Jessica Roberts, a grad student in medieval literature who’s written about WWE Divas for Atomic Elbow, and Chris Trew, cofounder of The New Movement, who also has a New Orleans sports podcast, Trew 2 the Game, and has managed pro wrestlers for Anarchy Championship Wrestling in Texas.

Opening 'Mania, we have a four-way match for the Tag Team Championships. Defending champs The Usos, a high-energy set of Samoan twin brothers, will face the Tea-Party-themed team The Real Americans and Los Matadores, a masked pair of bullfighters who come to ring with a very small guy in a bull costume. Also present will be a fourth tag team, a non-entity known as Rybaxel.

Breaux: The Usos are your tag team champions.

Trew: [The Real Americans’] Cesaro will stack Los Matadores on top of each other and spin them around the ring 30 times. Then he'll do it to his tag team partner Jack Swagger (ending their relationship) and his manager Zeb Colter (this one too). He'll be a top babyface by Monday Night Raw.

Roberts: It'll come down to Real Americans vs Los Matadores, and Zeb and the little bull (El Torito, I think) will have their own fight outside the ring. Then I win as a spectator.

The Inaugural Andre the Giant Memorial Thirty-Man Over-The-Top-Rope Battle Royale: this magnificent mouthful of a match sees a lot of wrestlers who deserve better, and some who don't, fighting for a trophy honoring "Eighth Wonder of the World" Andre the Giant.

Trew: I hope Dolph Ziggler wins the trophy then parades around wrestling rings for the next year gloating about his victory, possibly even melting it down to make a beautiful gold chain.

Cotman: Big Show, as a tribute to his father.

Bentley: I bet two of the last wrestlers in the ring are Goldust and his half-brother Cody Rhodes. Rhodes wins via skulduggery, turns on his fans and breaks free of the mid-card.

Roberts: I'm really excited to see Cesaro "Giant Swing" thirty men over the ropes in this one, even if he's not in the match.

Breaux: I see Titus O'Neill taking this.

The wild-bearded popular underdog Daniel Bryan faces the sneering corporate authority of Triple H. The winner joins the WWE World Heavyweight Title match that same night.

Breaux: Bryan takes this to go on and win the title. #YesMovement all the way!

Bentley: Bryan has to win. Right? He has to. But I’m not sure, which is exciting.

Cotman: Bryan wins, after selling way more of Triple H's offense than is realistic. Afterward, Ultimate Warrior comes out and squashes Triple H in 18 seconds.

Roberts: Hey, Triple H, you are Triple Boring.

Trew: If Daniel Bryan doesn't win this match then the Internet Wrestling Community might fold in on itself and explode forever. I predict a gutsy victory followed by a more-vicious-than-necessary post-match beatdown by Triple H.

Wholesome hero John Cena, a big ol' Boy Scout, faces the sinister Louisiana backwoods baddie Bray Wyatt, whose creepy cult will likely linger ringside.

Trew: Wrestlemania is pushing a lot of merchandise with alligators on them this year and while Bray Wyatt is not an alligator, he is swamp-like and I take it as a sign that Bray Wyatt gets the biggest win of his young career.

Bentley: Cena wins, but then the Wyatt boys take him to Carcosa.

Breaux: Cena follows the buzzards and loses to the Eater of Worlds.

Roberts: Bray Wyatt has the Southern Gothic advantage and will channel the power of New Orleans when he defeats the Carpetbagger John Cena in this match.

Cotman: Wyatt wins. Cena is finally being used to put people over, and Wyatt's their best thing going now, next to Bryan.

In The Vickie Guerrero Diva Championship Invitational, more than a dozen female wrestlers, including those involved in the very guilty and only mildly pleasurable E! reality series Total Divas, scramble for longtime champ AJ Lee's title.

Breaux: AJ retains the championship.

Cotman: Ideally, they would have put AJ into a quality feud and built it up, like they did with her and Kaitlyn last year. Instead we get this slapdash dogpile. Winner: Naomi. Loser: the fans.

Roberts: AJ has a history of sneaky tricks in matches like this, so I'm confident she'll retain.

Bentley: I think AJ's towering bodyguard Tamina wins it, maybe by accident. Then she and AJ can feud. This match is a bummer but I still love Vickie Guerrero.

Trew: Who was on Total Divas the most this week? That's who I pick to win this match. I also pick Total Divas to win an Emmy, an Oscar and a Grammy.

The awesome young trio known as The Shield, including impending breakout star Roman Reigns, fight '90s tag team the New Age Outlaws and the corporate monster Kane.

Roberts: The Undertaker will have to bury his half brother Kane after Roman Reigns spears him in half.

Breaux: The Shield are the victors. Believe in them.

Trew: The New Age Outlaws will say some outdated catch phrases on a microphone, Kane will be Kane and The Shield will amazing, innovative and interesting.

Bentley: The entire world will have a simultaneous Wrestlemania Moment when Roman Reigns finally takes his shirt off.

Cotman: The Shield. In an ideal world, this would be Shield vs. Wyatts II and bring the house down. However, I am glad they're keeping the Shield together a little longer.

The immortal Undertaker, whose 21-match Wrestlemania winning streak is living pro wrestling history, faces the savage former UFC Champ Brock Lesnar.

Cotman: Potentially great match, the old hand vs. the heavy hitter. Nobody beats ‘Taker at Mania.

Breaux: Undertaker wins and the streak continues!

Bentley: I've waited my entire goddamn life to see the Undertaker. It’s not psychologically safe for me even to contemplate the possibility of him losing.

Trew: About 10 years ago, Brock Lesnar (a very big man) attempted a shooting star press (a very difficult move) at WrestleMania. He failed and landed on his head. I hope he tries it again but doesn't land on his head. And I hope after he hits it, the Undertaker does that action movie comic book thing where he just sits up like he didn't feel a thing.

Roberts: If C.M. Punk couldn't take the Undertaker, and C.M. Punk beat Lesnar recently, Lesnar has no chance. That's how sports work, right?

Current WWE World Heavyweight Champ Randy Orton defends the title in a three-way against the recently-returned Batista and the winner of the earlier Triple H/Bryan match.

Breaux: Bryan is the new champ and the Superdome erupts. Bearded men the world over rejoice.

Bentley: Bryan wins, takes the mic and cuts a victory promo against the police state and oil industry. Then we all storm 1250 Poydras together. It's the revolution.

Trew: The earlier Triple H post-match beatdown will severely decrease Daniel Bryan's chances in this match... but Wrestlemania is (usually) about sending fans home happy and the happiest scenario is 90,000 people chanting Yes! Yes! Yes! as we file out of the Superdome and into the first place we see on Poydras. Keep the champagne on ice, Little Gem Saloon.

Cotman: Will it be the ultimate WrestleMania Moment or the ultimate disappointment? I'm going to settle on cynicism and say Batista wins, to a resounding chorus of boos, so he can have the belt while promoting his upcoming movie.

Roberts: The one with the worst tattoos loses.


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