Bath salts are killing your children


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There's a new killer in town, and it could be hiding in your house. Or lurking in your bathroom. Or in that gift for your kid's 6th grade teacher or that weird person in accounting you drew for office Secret Santa. This lavender-scented murderer is bath salts, and it's killing our children.

The Traveling Soap Lady? More like the Traveling Dope Lady.
  • The Traveling Soap Lady? More like the Traveling Dope Lady.

In case you weren’t previously aware, kids just wanna get high! Whether it’s through fake weed or $5 heroin, they want to get Miley Cyrus-ed and will stop at nothing to do it. The latest way in which they’re doing this is through a dangerous substance masquerading as a “harmless bath supplement,” according to a report by WDSU on Tuesday’s 10 p.m. news. The report says Cloud 9 bath salts, peddled by the innocuous sounding Traveling Soap Lady vendor on, can cause “delirium, hallucination, combative behavior and intense highs lasting up to 48 hours.” Sounds fun! Oh, but the salts also cause “swelling of the brain.” Not so fun.

The report uses no interviews from teens or young adults, the supposed users of this deadly bath product, and just relies on information from experts who are, incidentally, employed by the TV station. According to WDSU Crime and Safety Specialist Howard Robertson in the promo that aired before the segment, the salts are causing people to “shoot themselves, jump off buildings and commit suicide.” (Suicide? Look, I know the bath salts were a pretty thoughtless gift, and it's disappointing considering you assumed you and the guy that had you for Secret Santa really bonded while talking about ham in the office kitchen, but it’s not worth taking your life!)

Use of these Bath Salts of Death seems to be prevalent in Louisiana. The report says that out of the 185 cases of “bath salt episodes” in emergency rooms across the country, 80 cases were in the state. Local law enforcement officials are apparently lobbying to get this stuff of the market, but it seems none of the said law enforcement officials were available to be interviewed for this report.

With Christmas and the family get-togethers that come with it approaching, now is the perfect time to look at your kid dead in the eye from across the dinner table, or while he or she is opening presents, and ask “Are you salting?” Be suspicious even if they deny it because as someone once said, “"The one rule I learned as a parent is that if they tell you they're not doing something, they probably are."

Also, this whole thing reminds me of this SNL skit:


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