by Clancy DuBos
Now it happened that at this time Caesar Piyush issued a decree that vouchers should be made available to every undereducated child in the land. These vouchers — the first — issued while many public schools in Louisiana were failing, and so every prophet with an eye for profit went to enroll as many students as possible, each in his own parish.
They came from all corners of the state, to Baton Rouge, to apply for vouchers, so that their empty classrooms and their dwindling bank accounts might be fattened.
And they were not disappointed, for Piyush showered his faithful with vouchers like manna in the desert. No one knew whence these vouchers came, for they appeared as if in the night, and Piyush refused to answer any man who questioned his purposes or his decisions, and he commanded his voucher procurator, John, likewise to bear no inquiries.
Now at that time there arose in the Ninth Ward a prophet, named Lucas, who called himself The Apostle. He proclaimed that the Lord had spoken to him, telling him, “I bring you news of great joy. Today in the town of Baton Rouge there are thousands of taxpayer-funded vouchers available for you to enroll children in your shabby little school. Go forth and obtain your share, for they will lead you to the land of milk and honey.”
Lucas did as the Lord commanded him, and the Lord made smooth his path to obtain 80 vouchers from Piyush and John, though Lucas had requested more than twice that number. But Lucas saw that it was good. And prophetable.
“I am truly The Apostle,” he proclaimed. “Suffer your little children unto me, and I will make them whold.”
Now the scribes were suspicious of Lucas, and they tried to trick him with their questions. One of them, Dambala, asked, “How is it that you got 80 vouchers when your school has only 53 students?” Another, Cenlamar, said, “Why do you run so many nonprofits, and why are so many of them not in good standing with the state?” Then they both asked, “What does it mean to make a child whold?”
But Lucas dismissed them, saying, “Do not put The Apostle to the test, for I do not fare well on tests. And besides, I am too busy wearing the mantle of an Apostle and Prophet, and mentoring men and women effectively in the prophetic.”
And he went away into the swamp to pray, and to ponder how much 80 vouchers times $4,555 per student in taxpayer-funded tuition would bring him.
And while he was in the swamp, the Lord spoke to him again, saying, “Do not mind the scribes. Just get those vouchers and I will make of you a great corporation. Stick with me and your nonprofits will be more numerous than the stars in the sky.”
Once more Lucas did as the Lord commanded, and when he returned to the Ninth Ward his cup runneth over. With the vouchers that had been bestowed upon him by Caesar Piyush and John, The Apostle stood to take in more than $360,000 in taxpayer funds. And he proclaimed, “All children under my vouchered tutelage will learn how to hear from God, how to speak the mind of God, and how to nurture the gift of prophecy — all at taxpayer expense.”
And even though the scribes were not satisfied, Lucas prospered and was made whold, which was more than could be said of the children.
But, as he prophesied, the children did suffer unto him. He was indeed a prophet.