by Kevin Allman
Dear Motorists of the Greater New Orleans Metro Region, Including But Not Limited To Orleans, Jefferson, St. Bernard, and St. Tammany Parishes:
Gustav could've done a lot worse in our area, as he did do in the coastal parishes. He was scary and he was stressful. He was also last week.
Your right to drive in a dazed, confused, and shell-shocked fashion has (unlike the curfew) been revoked.
This is not to say that the metro region expects you to suddenly learn to drive well, or even carefully and competently -- just that driving habits must now assume pre-Gustav levels and stay there. More to the point, this means:
- No more wobbling about in the left lane, left blinker on, before you suddenly and unexpectedly pull right across lanes of traffic.
- No more blocking two lanes of cars perpendicularly to make a left turn because you could not wait 45 seconds for a break in the traffic.
- No more stopping directly in front of your destination with your blinkers on when there are parking spots 25 feet away.
- And most of all -- no more whatever it is you did that resulted in a Talladega-style pileup outside the McDonald's down the street from me, where weeping children were standing in the rain while fire trucks and ambulances were screaming up to the scene.
If you live in an unaffected community, the Gustav Driving Excuse has been revoked; you are out of the Cone of Uncertain Motoring. Click it or ticket. Thank you.