Who's Afraid of Lindsay Lohan?

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Remember back in 1998, when Disney released the remake of The Parent Trap starring a button cute redhead named Lindsay Lohan? She was one of those Disney kids, who was so cute and talented (she can do a British accent), that we all were just dying for her to grow into all of her many promising roles to come. Little did we know that Hollywood would become a cesspool of gossip and mayhem among young starlets, with Ms. Lohan leading the pack. Boyfriend swapping, narcotics abuse and finally a couple of stints in rehab have finally created the Lindsay Lohan who would star in a vehicle such as, I Know Who Killed Me. Which incidentally, is an untruth, because if she did “know who killed her (career),” she might not have read the script or taken the part.

First of all, what is the lure for actors to portray strippers? I have nothing against the profession. But unfortunately most actors do not benefit from their portrayal, nor does the art of pole dancing. Lindsay, in her alter ego role of Dakota, is no exception. In fact, the only the only thing worse I have witnessed on the screen is the “power strip” done by Demi Moore in Striptease.

In I Know Who Killed Me, like The Parent Trap, Lindsay gets to reprise her role as dual opposing characters. This time instead of the American tomboy and British princess, she plays the scholastic virgin versus the up-to- no-good stripper. Unlike The Parent Trap, in I Know Who Killed Me, Lindsay is not really portraying two individuals but one tortured (literally) soul who ends up resorting to her bad girl alter-ego to survive at the hands of a serial killer, who makes her an amputee for the majority of the film. Sorry to be so blunt, but nothing is more disturbing than seeing a human hand ripped off with dry ice; well, except possibly, later seeing Lindsay maneuvering her mechanical hand and leg. We will rebuild a better Lindsay...

Spoiler Alert! Clearly, this is not necessary. The real spoiler is that you have spent an evening with this recently released DVD from the Lindsay Lohan collection of quality deprived cinema. Oh, back to the true spoiler. The piano teacher is the serial killer! Aubrey, the “good” Lindsay, gives him the boot right before she is kidnapped and tortured in what seems to be the Iceman’s lair. Everything is blue and cold looking. In a very poorly constructed irony, Aubrey’s ex-piano man/kidnapper/torturer, amputates her hand. You’ll never play Bach in this town again!

Yet, there is no amputation for that part of me, which cannot forget how bad I Know Who Killed Me is in nearly every aspect of filmmaking. I am not a hater of Lindsay. I am a closet fan. I get excited for every silly romantic comedy that she anchors. I watched Mean Girls nearly a dozen times. However, Lindsay needs to be saved from the advice leading her to believe that Georgia Rule and I Know Who Killed Me are decent enough to build a strong body of film work. Hopefully, 2008 will be a kinder year to the still young Lindsay Lohan. I guess it cannot get any worse.

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