Cyril, Duke of Harahan
Vidalia, Duke of Harahan
Sal, Pee Wee, Conrad, friends of the Duke
Ronaldo, newspaper columnist and clown in the duke's household
Scene: Backyard meeting of the Elmer Fudd Hunting Club
Conrad: Cyril, you mailmen gotta do something about them shorts you'll wear in the summer. I seen better legs in gumbo.
Pee Wee: Yeah, I had one tell me he was dropping off no letters unless I got rid of all that debris around my house. I says what debris? That is my house.
Cyril: Well, that's probably those part-time carriers. They only work on weekends, so they ain't bought into all that "neither rain nor snow nor dark of night" stuff.
Sal: Say, did your brother-in-law ever pay off that vacation bet on the LSU-Tulane baseball game?
Pee Wee: Cyril, how'd you marry into a LSU family? Jeez, you think Saints fans are obnoxious? Saints fans are LSU fans who growed up.
Cyril: Yeah, he's gonna pay up. We just can't figger out where we wanna go on vacation. I even been looking through that travel book there.
Ronaldo: Well, it says here that the rate of exchange from pesetas to dollars is good. How's about Barcelona? This story talks about Barri Vinés, which it says is a Chinatown without Chinese.
Cyril: Sorta like the Utah Jazz, huh?
Conrad: Man, me and Violeta ain't been on a vacation since all them camps in Little Woods blew down. Man, if we had that camp now, we could drive over to Jazzland every night. Except Monday, when the WWF comes on.
Cyril: The kid wants to go to Disneyworld.
Ronaldo: Jeez, Cyril. Ain't your kid getting a little old for Pinocchio?
Cyril: Not Junior. He's 37; this is my 7-year-old. Can't figure out which of them is the biggest crybaby.
Ronaldo: Man, I forgot you had a 7-year-old.
Cyril: I wish I could forget it.
Sal: The boy's an answer to all ya first wife's prayers. With a little more sensitivity training, he could grow up to have a newspaper nickname like "Mad Dog."
Pee Wee: He's the poster boy for birth-control devices, all right.
Sal: Remember when he filled that water gun with Clorox and shot your old aunt in the eye? If you gotta take him on vacation, you oughtta take him straight to Angola and get him involved in that "Scared Straight" program.
Cyril: He's gonna be a joy in my old age.
Conrad: Then all you can do is pray for an early death. Pray to St. Euthanasia.
Cyril: Maybe I can get my dear old mama to watch the kid.
Conrad: Cyril, your mama didn't want to watch kids when you was a baby. Now that she's older than classical music, no way in hell ...
Pee Wee: If you can dump the kid, then you and Vidalia can go to Disneyworld. You ain't gotta be a kid to go to Disneyworld. Me and Velma been four times.
Conrad: Exactly the point!
Cyril: My wife wants to go to one of those bed-and-breakfast places in Charleston or Bangor, Maine. It's like being sent to your room for a week. All that lace and Victorian glass. It looks like the room's waiting for a fashion photographer to show up.
Ronaldo: Lookit! You can barge around Europe for a little as $800 a week. You can start in Burgundy ...
Cyril: In a barge? You can't see a city from a barge. It'd be like saying you'd seen New Orleans from the Industrial Canal.
Ronaldo: Why doncha head for a ski resort like Sugarbush, Vt.?
Cyril: Man, Vidalia don't sit good in no cold. She can't even finish a snowball from Pandora's Box.
Ronaldo: Now, the ski resorts are green in the summer -- and cheaper.
Cyril: Why go to a ski resort when there's not skiing? Ain't that like spending $75 million to renovate the Superdome for football?
Sal: What about Cozumel? Didn't you get hurt there?
Pee Wee: Yeah, after the bull fights. The bulls was small, but they was slow, too. We leavin' in the rental car and I see the three matadors in the parking lot with a racked-out Chevy with a flat and no jack. It's like you went to Wrigley and after the game you see Sammy Sosa outside hitchhiking. Anyhow, I stop to help, but the jack slips and I get a hernia as big as a tangerine.
Cyril: Maybe a cruise ship ...
Conrad: I don't recommend it. They got no regulations so I lost everything on the slots the first night and hadda spend the rest of the voyage with Violeta and this goofy cruise director who kept organizing stuff like the "Knobby Knees Contest."
Sal: Maybe you oughta just borrow Dwight's pop-up camper and go over to Jellystone Campground for the weekend. Save some bread.
Pee Wee: My sister's a nurse. Maybe she can get you enough Vicodin to make the whole thing seem like a dream.
Vidalia: Before we do that, we gonna take the tour to Medjugorje.
Cyril: Check out that Vicodin for me, will ya?