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Affairs of State


Sen. David Vitter's panties are all in a twist these days because he was subpoenaed by Deborah Jeane Palfrey, aka the D.C. Madam, in connection with her racketeering trial. Officially, the senator has announced, through his attorney (who, in keeping with Vitter's nondisclosure policy, won't admit that he's Vitter's attorney), that he intends to invoke his Fifth Amendment privilege against self-incrimination.

Vitter also is frantically ducking the press, to the point of public endangerment. (The video of him and an aide backing into a stop sign in Gonzales is priceless. See it at

As Palfrey's trial unfolds, the media no doubt will be stalking poor Vitter in ever-increasing numbers and to ever-more-intrusive extents, endangering God knows how many pedestrians each time Sen. Poopy-Pants tries to run and hide.

So, in the interest of public safety, I dispatched my best, ahem, undercover operative to secure a transcript of Vitter's last known phone call to Palfrey's escort service, Pamela Martin & Associates. Here it is:

DV: Hello. This is, um, Looziana Jones.

PMA: Oh, hello, congressman! We've been hoping to hear back from you. Was everything okay last time?

DV: Oh yes. It was, uh, a life-changing experience.

PMA: Now nice. So, what's your pleasure tonight?

DV: I was thinking of, you know, the usual.

PMA: Another evening of 'very serious sin" " oh, congressman, you do go on.

DV: Well, I guess I am a creature of habit. Speaking of which, can I get the same 'escort" I had last time?

PMA: Let's see I think that was Amber! Yes, she's available tonight. You liked her, huh?

DV: Yes. But I have to ask " is Amber her real name?

PMA: Honey, what do you think? Is Looziana Jones your real name?

DV: Well, you see, I have this this problem if her real name is Wendy.

PMA: Listen, sweet cheeks. If you pay enough, we'll call her Hillary Clinton!

DV: Arghh! What are you trying to do " ruin the moment before it arrives?

PMA: Sorry.

DV: I just need to know, because, well, you know, I'm a family kinda guy and, well, I wouldn't want any conflicts about this because, um, I just

PMA: No problem, honey. Her name won't be Wendy.

DV: Oh, thank God! I mean, she was just so nice, you know?

PMA: Yeah, she says you were a real gentleman.

DV: Really? Did she say that? Did she like me?

PMA: Sure. And for an extra $50 she'll tell all her friends what a big man you are.

DV: Yikes! I can't have her talking about me! Maybe this is a bad idea! Maybe I should just watch late-night HBO!

PMA: Oh, sweetie, you don't have to worry. You know that discretion " and very serious sin " is our specialty.

DV: Yes, because, you know, I'm a very important and powerful person, and some very bad people would love to destroy me and prevent me from becoming, you know, the really big man around here.

PMA: Oh, don't worry, Mister Future President. Your secrets are safe with us!

DV: Great! How soon can Amber be here? I feel a crisis in 'national affairs" coming on!

PMA: She'll be right over. You know our motto: Affairs of state must take precedent over the affairs of state.*

DV: Now you're talking.

* With apologies to Gov. William J. LePetomane

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